One
evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle
that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the
battle is between two wolves inside everyone of us.
One
is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, conceit, sorrow,
hatred, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, inferiority,
lies, pride, lust, superiority, and ego.
The
other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."
The
grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather: "Which wolf wins? The old Cherokee
simply replied, "The one you feed."
Perhaps
the thing that makes this work of consciousness so profound
is that it has very real effects in one’s life,
far beyond just interesting concepts. It’s one
thing to mentally understand all these new energy ideas;
it is quite another to experience them on a deep, heart-feeling-soul
level.
During
the recent France tour I had the audacity to tell Adamus
that I was fulfilled, complete, in need of nothing,
and so “now what?” It was true. When Tobias
left in July I experienced an inner completion on a
scale I didn’t imagine possible. However, life
goes on and Adamus kindly told me that as soon as I
declare something like that there will be aspects coming
up to challenge me, to see if I’m really for real.
In fact, he saw a challenge already on its way, and
sure enough, it hit just a few days ago.
Now
the thing about this journey is that we have to walk
the talk, or we may as well stop talking. We either
take full responsibility for our experiences or we still
play the victim. So, even though it seemed like NONE
of what happened by way of this challenge was my fault,
I decided to dig in anyway to see why “I”
had created this experience.
What
ensued was me getting in touch with a very old, very
strong and very dark aspect of myself. It was one I
had discovered a couple years ago and wanted nothing
to do with. She was horrible in every way I could imagine,
and I rejected her completely. Of course this meant
I also rejected me, no matter what mental contortions
I went through trying to get around that. So, in the
interest of finally getting through this issue once
and for all, I gave her some space and let her in.
However,
integration means that you also get to deal with the
opposite of what you’re inviting in. So one evening
I was spending lots of time breathing, feeling some
huge emotions, and allowing this rejected part to get
used to the idea of coming home, when suddenly a very
righteous warrior aspect popped up. Her entire
existence had been dedicated to keeping away the evilness
of the other one. “How dare you let her back?
She is completely evil; do you have any idea what she
is capable of? How can you do this?” And of course
the dark one shot back, “See? I knew it. You didn’t
REALLY want me back, you don’t have the guts
to deal with me.”
There
it was, raging right in the middle of me – the
battle of light and dark. So who wins? Which one will
I feed, which one will I starve?
The
truth is, a starving animal gets even more
vicious and more determined to do anything
it can to survive. And the same is true for any part
of self that is rejected.
Because
of who we are as Shaumbra, always on the “bleeding
edge” of consciousness evolution, we’ve
done it all. We’ve embodied the saintliest qualities
and lived out the most heinous lifetimes, and all of
these have left their mark inside. A lot of us want
to live forever in love and light, having had enough
of darkness and aghast at any shred of it left inside
us. Others of us want nothing to do with airy-fairy
goody-two-shoes stuff, and tend to bust the system at
every opportunity, determined to never be taken in again.
But
it’s all still a reaction to something we don’t
want in our reality and reject within ourselves. To
the extent that you starve the light or the
dark, it will push back and distort your reality. It
will bring in circumstances that seem caused by others
because you can’t own it within yourself.
So
as I sat there breathing, listening to and feeling
the raging argument inside me, I remembered they were
both just aspects; parts of me that had gotten stuck
in their experiences of extreme polarity. I was at war
with myself – but not really, because the real
Me was the one observing. It was only a battle if I
identified with one and rejected the other. But when
I remembered I simply am that I am, and turned
my attention toward loving and accepting ME in that
moment, the battle became irrelevant. Like tired quarreling
children, they could just put down their toy swords
and come back home, pouting and cranky perhaps, but
done fighting.
The
result is that I feel something new inside, something
I can’t define yet. I feel a lot of “definable”
stuff too, for sure – sadness for the lifetimes
lost to this battle, weariness for the energy it has
taken to keep the struggle under control, mourning for
parts of me that, in a way, no longer exist. I had gotten
used to their presence, imbalanced though it was. Now
there is a part of my life that needs to be completely
rediscovered and recreated because so much of it was
unconsciously defined by my resistance to a part of
me.
I
have a deeper understanding now of what they’ve
been talking about with integrating light and dark.
Oh, I was happy enough to “integrate my darkness”
as long as it meant I was still a nice person. But when
a “not nice” part jumps out and creates
havoc, even through someone else, it becomes obvious
I haven’t brought it home yet. When I’m
no longer resisting “that which I am not”
(which really doesn’t exist), then I am free to
be ALL that I am, and choose in each moment how to express
it. And the rejected parts no longer need to cause chaos
(even through other people) in my Now.
In
Rome, Kuthumi had this to say:
“When
the light and dark join together within you, it’s
no longer just the elements of light and dark, but the
merging creates a whole New Energy and different consciousness,
because it contains the wisdom of everything that you’ve
done that was dark, and everything that you’ve
done that was light. So it’s no longer the combination
of light and dark; it takes a quantum leap.”
Those
quantum leaps are scary and sometimes pretty painful,
but they can really change your life. Happy leaping!
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